Barneys Coffee Shop

“To Thy Own Self Be True.” If So, Then Others Will Follow You

The sense of needing to belong in a group is a strong one in human beings. We don’t like the idea of being left out of anything. To be excluded in any kind of activity seems to be hurtful factor in our self-esteem.

On August 17, 2000, Bill Harms of the news office of the University of the Chicago Chronicle (
http://chronicle.uchicago.edu/000817/loneliness.shtml
) quoted the affects of loneliness on people from John Cacioppo, a professor in psychology. Professor Cacioppo commented with the following in the article: “The strength of social isolation as a risk factor is comparable to obesity, sedentary lifestyles and possibly even smoking.” It doesn’t take rocket science to realize if loneliness is equated with these kinds of lifestyles and habits, then it is obviously a devastating thing for people to experience.

Avoiding loneliness, though, is not a straightforward task. At some point and time, you have probably been confronted with the choice of whether or not to participate in an activity present before you. Now, many may think I’m just talking about saying yes or no to smoking pot, but I’m not even really talking about that. I’m really delving into issues that we face on a daily basis.

Let’s take movies for example. I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to movies, I’m a flat-out freak of nature. There are plenty of films that I love that a lot of people can’t understand why I love yet plenty of others that I don’t like everyone else thinks I should I love. One movie I really enjoyed was Radio, which I thought was fantastic! It really captures how simple acts of kindness can really touch so many peoples’ lives. However, I knew of one person who couldn’t understand why I liked that movie because to her the movie just seemed slow-paced and overdid it on the idea of being kind to everyone. Also, it’s a little difficult to discuss what was so great about the movie with anyone else since I don’t know that many people who have actually seen it. Maybe I just happen to be fan of something that’s considered to be an underdog film. A better example are the American Pie movies, which a lot of people seem to love, and quite frankly, I really can’t stand them. The humor is those movies is really raunchy and it’s not something I like at all, but I’ve tried explaining that to people and many look at me as if I have a third eyeball growing out of my forehead.

Being yourself is a tough call to make. No one is ever really convinced they are really good enough to be around anyone unless they like the same thing that everyone else likes. Worst yet, they might feel compelled to go along with the crowd because you’re afraid that if you don’t, they may just not want to invite you to anything else again.

It’s an interesting coincidence that I used a bit of Shakespeare to title this piece because there’s something else he once said that fits how people seem to fear the idea of being left out:

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.”

If your friends are your real friends, then frankly you should not feel compelled to make yourself another face. Not too long ago, some people I know had invited me to see the movie Bruno. Now, I’ve heard a lot of people enjoyed it and more power to them. However, I knew enough about the movie that it wasn’t something I was going to like simply because of the raunchy humor in it, so I thanked them and told them honestly that I wasn’t up for it. A few days later, those same people invited me out for a drink. Obviously they didn’t feel put off nor offended by the fact that I turned down seeing the movie with them. I was upfront and honest, and they respected it, but they didn’t want me to be left out of anything else they did because they genuinely liked being with me.

Now you obviously have to balance this out, of course. It is a good idea to try something different every now and again. Another perfect example is bluegrass music. In the Cayce-West Columbia area (I’m not entirely sure which area it actually lies in), there’s a place called Bill’s Pickin’ Parlor, which has a bunch of people who get together and play bluegrass all the time. A good friend of mine asked me to come along with him. I wasn’t really to keen on it at the time. My music taste has expanded into a lot of different areas over the years, but back then I mainly stuck with listening with 80’s music, classic rock, and a mixture of alternative. I really figured that bluegrass would just bore me to tears, but I gave it shot. The result? As a matter of fact, I enjoyed it, but on a different level than my friend. My friend listens to it a lot on his own time (via his CD’s he has, going to live shows, etc) whenever he can. For me, I only enjoy it when I see it live. However, I can see why others do like that kind of music and people who play it are very talented. Since that time, my friend and I have gone there a few times to see their shows.

You have to open your mind to certain things, but by the same token you should listen to your gut feeling if you don’t feel compelled to take part in an event. The fact is that no matter how much you balance yourself out, you are going to feel like an oddball. I certainly feel that way all the time and here’s why:

I don’t have cable or satellite, just Netflix. I enjoy more sitcoms from back in the 70’s and 80’s like Sanford and Son, Barney Miller, and Cheers than I do more recent ones with some exceptions like The Office and Becker (when the latter show was still running of course). I love traveling to different places such as the beach and major cities, but if I had a real choice of where I would want to go for a week, it would be the mountains bar none even more so than a trip to the Bahamas or even Vegas. I love to socialize and have conversations with people at a Coffee Shop or even over the phone, but I am not a fan of doing the same thing via text messaging or using chats. I do not like nightclubs anymore, but I still love going to bars with my friends, particularly if there’s live music or places to play pool.

I doubt this is really a shock to anyone who’s reading this since I’ve been pretty upfront about these things before, but I put this all down in writing to make a point. You might think some of this is normal, some not, mostly normal, mostly not. You might either appreciate my line of thinking or just think I’m some weirdo trying to be rebel. What am I? The person I chose to be. I’m willing to adapt and try new things, but by the same token I shouldn’t have to be put into a position where I have to do something that I know for fact I will not enjoy just to be with people. I certainly would afford the same treatment to the people I know. If you’re into a lot things that I don’t like, I have no problem with that. That doesn’t lower my opinion of you. On the contrary, it heightens my respect for you. Furthermore, it’s the differences between people that makes all types of relationships fun and interesting.

Still, with all my quirks, I seem to be doing something right. A lot of people like me for whatever reason and I go out doing things with them virtually every weekend and a lot of times after work. Why? Well, I’ve been told several reasons. It’s because I’m considered to be very loyal, that I live by strong principles, that I know what I want out of life, and overall because I’m a nice and fun person to be around. I don’t consider myself better than anyone else. I’m just very happy with who I turned out to be.

That’s the kind of thinking that I truly believe everyone should develop. If you want people to be on your side, you have to be happy with who you are. Explore your surroundings, but don’t feel afraid about saying “no” for a change. Be yourself. You are the one that shapes yourself into the kind of individual you want to be and absolutely no one has any right whatsoever to take that away from you. If they do, you are better off without them. If you find that those same people who you invited you to do things with them are starting to cut you off just because you are not into everything they do, then quite frankly those same people were never your friends in the first place. People should like you because you are you….period.

If you stick to your guns, you will actually find more often than not that people will not only include you in their lives, but quite frankly admire you. It’s really a rare treat for someone who is willing to be truly vocal about their own likes and dislikes. It’s been my personal experience that people have a tremendous amount of respect for someone with a strong sense of individuality. It also makes life a lot more enjoyable. How boring it would be if everyone in the world did the same thing…nothing would be unpredictable and we wouldn’t learn anything new from each other! By putting forth a strong sense of independent thinking, you will see that you gain a lot more valuable support and friendship than simply going with the vast majority.

My wonderful and wise grandmother from my mother’s side once said: “Mi piace verde e’ ti piace rosso.”
I like green and you like red
. Whichever of those colors you chose, there’s no wrong choice except for the one you truly don’t like.
About the Author

Barney’s-Best Coffeeshop In Amsterdam

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